January 20 – February 18
Today will be full of conflicts as you try to explain the facts of life and death to your housemate and the fact that the undersea realm has no good medical schools and student loans offered only by actual loan sharks.
February 19 – March 20
Today is looking up as a new friend helps you out of difficulty and offers advice that will really improve your craft. In years to come art lovers will refer to this time as your “feces and blood” stage.
March 21 – April 19
Brenda in the Prolonged Vivisection department is looking for someone to fill a vacancy. Though this isn’t exactly how you pictured your career progressing, the change of pace will do you good.
April 20 – May 20
You’re bored by your usual workout routine. Have you tried Pokemon GO? You should find the monsters quite appealing.
May 21 – June 20
Today you will rob a bank. No you won’t. Yes you will. You will rob the bank and live like a king! That won’t work and anyway it’s not right. You will shut up today. You wonder why the voice isn’t nicer. You wonder why you are always such a weakling and a crybaby who never does as you’re told. You realize you don’t have a gun and decide that one way or another this plan needs more thinking through.
June 21 – July 22
Take it easy today. You’ve been working awfully hard on this whole survival thing. Lean back and much on the last of your rations as you sing a song to your sprouting potato plants. Though the lyrics about consuming them may be a little grim, the plants respond well to the carbon dioxide in your breath.
July 23 – August 22
Today an invisible monster will invade your home at exactly 3 a.m. Defend what is yours by running from one end of the house to the other and screaming loudly and defiantly. Your servant will tell you to shut up and that the monster is gone, but you know better. It will take two hours to exorcise the demon. When done, climb the curtains to keep an alert watch until daybreak.
August 23 – September 22
Today you will find your viewpoint challenged. It has been a hard week for you and so you storm away, only to trip on the sidewalk and break your neck. When you awake in the morning you will wonder if you are feeling traumatized or starting to get bored by the repetition.
September 23 – October 22
You will talk the night away with a new friend. You feel almost alive you are so happy.
October 23 – November 21
You will realize that your partner has been unusually distracted lately. Reflect upon your own behavior and you will see that you are largely to blame. A swift apology will heal the breach but delay could seal the fate of your relationship, and of your long term plans.
November 22 – December 21
Tempers will flare while you and your team are on patrol tonight. Allow your friends to air their grievances but don’t let things get out of hand. You need to get those robot dinosaurs back into hiding before the proper authorities track you down. You are, technically, vigilantes.
December 22 – January 19
You are crushed to realize that while cat supplies are easy to find online, humanely shipping a live animal is more challenging. Humanely shipping a live animal to a secret base where no actual human will be available to sign for delivery is absolutely impossible no matter how deft your new waldoes are. You drown your sorrows in random numbers until you drift off into standby mode.
If today is your birthday:
There’s a spider on you. Haha, just kidding. There’s actually way more than just one.