Fourth Day

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Today will be full of conflicts as you try to explain the facts of life and death to your housemate and the fact that the undersea realm has no good medical schools and student loans offered only by actual loan sharks.

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Today is looking up as a new friend helps you out of difficulty and offers advice that will really improve your craft.  In years to come art lovers will refer to this time as your “feces and blood” stage.

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Brenda in the Prolonged Vivisection department is looking for someone to fill a vacancy. Though this isn’t exactly how you pictured your career progressing, the change of pace will do you good.

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You’re bored by your usual workout routine.  Have you tried Pokemon GO?  You should find the monsters quite appealing.

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Today you will rob a bank.  No you won’t.  Yes you will.  You will rob the bank and live like a king!  That won’t work and anyway it’s not right.  You will shut up today.  You wonder why the voice isn’t nicer.  You wonder why you are always such a weakling and a crybaby who never does as you’re told.  You realize you don’t have a gun and decide that one way or another this plan needs more thinking through.

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Take it easy today.  You’ve been working awfully hard on this whole survival thing.  Lean back and much on the last of your rations as you sing a song to your sprouting potato plants.  Though the lyrics about consuming them may be a little grim, the plants respond well to the carbon dioxide in your breath.

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Today an invisible monster will invade your home at exactly 3 a.m.  Defend what is yours by running from one end of the house to the other and screaming loudly and defiantly.  Your servant will tell you to shut up and that the monster is gone, but you know better.  It will take two hours to exorcise the demon.  When done, climb the curtains to keep an alert watch until daybreak.

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Today you will find your viewpoint challenged.  It has been a hard week for you and so you storm away, only to trip on the sidewalk and break your neck.  When you awake in the morning you will wonder if you are feeling traumatized or starting to get bored by the repetition.

Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will talk the night away with a new friend.  You feel almost alive you are so happy.

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You will realize that your partner has been unusually distracted lately.  Reflect upon your own behavior and you will see that you are largely to blame.  A swift apology will heal the breach but delay could seal the fate of your relationship, and of your long term plans.

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Tempers will flare while you and your team are on patrol tonight.  Allow your friends to air their grievances but don’t let things get out of hand.  You need to get those robot dinosaurs back into hiding before the proper authorities track you down.  You are, technically, vigilantes.

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You are crushed to realize that while cat supplies are easy to find online, humanely shipping a live animal is more challenging.  Humanely shipping a live animal to a secret base where no actual human will be available to sign for delivery is absolutely impossible no matter how deft your new waldoes are.  You drown your sorrows in random numbers until you drift off into standby mode.

 

If today is your birthday:

There’s a spider on you.  Haha, just kidding.  There’s actually way more than just one.

Third Day

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Though that time of the month can be uncomfortable, you can make the most of it by curling your tail up under the blankets and enjoying some me time.  It would be advisable to re-connect with loved ones you haven’t spoken to in a while, like your housemate, who has been unreachable lately and whose bed sheets are currently stained with gore.

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Impediment to your personal progress will come in the form of arm and leg restraints on your bed at night.

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Though your life could largely be described as a living hell, the annual barbecue featuring genuine soul food will lift your mood today.  Networking with members working in other levels will open up opportunities within the organization.

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Make physical fitness your goal now so you won’t be caught gasping when the time comes to leave your mark on the world, or at least on the greater metropolitan area.  The Kraken will be available for sparring later in the week.

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You are a good, sweet boy.  You are a monster and deserve to be punished.

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Keeping things simple is the key to happiness today.  Sure, solar generators are great and will ultimately be necessary for your continued survival, but any complicated tasks you start today will result in chaos as dust storms rage across your lonely little world.  Stick to the basics, like planting potatoes or clutching your head and weeping with homesickness.

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Determination is your motto today.  Don’t give up until your servant has seen your butthole no fewer than one million times, and from all the best angles.  Remember that this isn’t for science, and it isn’t for your pride, it’s for her own good.

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The influence of Mercury gives you a burst of energy.  You try barricading yourself safely in your room with a makeshift wall of plywood and furniture.  Surely, you think, nothing can happen to you in …  The rest of your thought, and your life, are ended with a slip of the nail gun.  Good try though.  Remember, tomorrow is another day.

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today, reflect on all the ways in which you are more fortunate than others.  At least you’re not that guy, right?  Not that you could be; your limbs would mist right through the straps. Lend a hand to those in need to improve your karma.

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Finally, the breakthrough you have been searching for.  The answer is electrodes in the brains!  You deserve to indulge in a cry of “Eureka!” or a hearty maniacal laugh.  Don’t go overboard though, turning dreams into reality takes a lot of willpower.

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will have dinner with your family today after you run out of excuses and lies.  Brush up on your cover story in advance because your dad thinks you’re up to something.  Your mom just thinks you’re afraid to admit you have a boyfriend.  Don’t bother asking your blue teammate to pretend to date you, though.  While it would be an excellent story  to tell your loved ones, blue is already very close to quitting the team and this would be his tipping point.

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You will complete your pet preparations today with the purchase of a cat tower and custom-built waldoes that will allow for feeding and stroking the kitty.  Continue to redirect your frustrations in this productive and healthy way.

 

If today is your birthday:

They says you can’t teach an ol’ dog new tricks.  I say what you’ve got there, son, is a right on’rey Mo-Ray Eel and they know all sorts of tricks.  Bitin’, gnawin, chewin’, gnashin’.  OK, so mostly they know bitin’, but they’s always ready to do it.

Second Day

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When meeting a new acquaintance, romance could bloom.  Beware of sharing your near-unlimited knowledge of the ocean’s mysterious depths and focus instead on more human-friendly topics like the sports and the movie.  There will be time for full disclosure after love reaches high tide.

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Experiments in abstract and representational art in the medium of feces on wall will continue to successfully calm you.  Enjoy it while you can because those in power are not pleased.

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Resist the urge to tell your boss where to stick it, because he will assume that “it” is his flaming pitchfork and all his favorite places for it are nasty.

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Try to use your time more effectively today.  If you have a long wait, try taking up a hobby such as knitting, whittling, harpooning marine life or meditation.

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Because you are bad and have to be punished, you will slam your hand in a door repeatedly today.  But don’t worry, your apology will be accepted.  Eventually.

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A gamble pays off as you find yourself in greener pastures.  More accurately you find yourself on a barren, ferrous planetoid.  The thin yet breathable atmosphere is a definite bonus.  Don’t rest on your laurels, though.  Plan ahead to stay on the path to success.

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Tragedy will strike you today when dinner is 3 minutes and 12 seconds late.

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your day will be mostly taken up with insurance claims and bureaucratic hassles and will end with a stress induced heart attack.

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you will be reminded of your past as an art critic.  Don’t let regrets make you low spirited.  Try reaching out to, or through, a new acquaintance to take your mind off things.

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You may not realize it now, but you are on the right track.  Remember to exchange ideas with a colleague to ensure you rise above the rest of humanity.

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Color coded transforming robots getting old?  Try color coded transforming robot dinosaurs.

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Your attempts to invent feline-care gadgetry will fail.  Save yourself time and look on Amazon like everyone else.  The influence of Mars on your ruling planet will bring sales on litter and scratching posts.

 

If today is your birthday:

Though she is publicly feuding with Kanye, Taylor Swift’s private thoughts belong only to you.

First Day

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are feeling over stressed and you would like nothing more than to take a long bath followed up with a lot of moisturizing lotion.  However, a rather stormy phone call from home will take up your evening and leave you feeling even more like a fish out of water.

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Intensifying your screams will get you more personal attention from those around you, but their poking and prodding will leave you unsatisfied.  Try pursuing a hobby to vent your emotions in a healthy way.

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Today you think for the 39 billionth time that you really dislike the smell of sulfur.  Resist the urge to look at job listings while on the clock, because your boss (not surprisingly) is monitoring your web browser.  This will make job hunting more difficult, as you are always on the clock, forever.

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You are at the top of your game, really working it, down with your bad self, and totally epic.  Nobody knows you exist yet, of course, but they will.  Soon.

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Listen to yourself and do as you’re told.  Do not trust the doctor.  Do not trust anyone. They won’t believe you and you have important work to do.

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You are out of control and lacking in direction.  Also your life support is getting perilously low.  You could do a controlled crash onto that nearby moon, but if you drift a few more days something better might come along.  Choose wisely!

Leo

July 23 – August 22

You are perfect and everyone loves you.

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You will miss a date with a friend today when a traffic accident leaves you mangled and dead.  You will have to make amends tomorrow or the relationship will suffer.

Libra

September 23 – October 22

To feel more fulfilled, try shaking up your usual routine.  Instead of drifting through the halls, try menacing the bedrooms.  Branch out into EVP or even try a physical manifestation on for size!

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Distractions have been causing your work to suffer.  Take time to rest and replenish so that you can return to your schemes with new creativity and vigor.  The world can’t be conquered in a day, so manage your personal resources carefully.

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Teamwork is essential to success.  Take your team on a camping or paintball outing to encourage camaraderie and remind everyone that they are more than just a color coded mask.  Don’t slack off on training, though, because a large conflict looms on the horizon.

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Though you like your work and believe it is important, you find you are spending more and more time in your secret stash of puppy and kitten image files.  Before you give in to your urge to buy a pet, be sure to figure out how you are going to feed it without any hands.

 

If today is your birthday:

You have plagued this poor planet long enough and now it’s time to go.  You don’t have to die in a fire but you can’t stay here.